I was diagnosed as having schizophrenia and depression six years ago. I’m not gonna tell you how I got them because when I think of that past, my heart aches really badly. It’s the kind of past that I don’t ever want to remember.
Ever since then, my life is not the same as how it was before. My life was not the same. My life changed FOREVER.
I’ve changed.
I’ve been struggling with my life ever since then.
During my first episode of schizophrenia, I did not know that I was having schizophrenia.
Things were damn awful. I could not recognize my parents. I couldn’t recognize my grandparents. I could not recognize my relatives and friends.
I was not being myself. I experienced hallucinations. I felt like there is somebody who wants to kill me. I felt like there is somebody out there who wants me dead. I was very terrified.
Do you know what was my mistake that time?
I totally forgot the existence of my Heavenly Father, Loving Lord Jesus and Sweet Holy Spirit.
I didn’t remember them at all. I was very fearful. I felt like I was going to be dead.
My neighbours and a few of my friends came over to my house to see me. I just could not recognize them at all. The only person whom I recognize was my very good and close friend, Christina. Then, most of my relatives came over to my house and tried to talk to me but I just could not. I was confused.
At that point, I did not know how on earth I should feel. I did not know how I should feel about myself. I did not know how I should feel about the people around me.
I did not know how to feel happy. I did not know how to feel sad. I did not know how to feel angry. I did not know how to feel disappointed. I could not feel any emotion. I just did not know how to feel.
I was so confused with my surrounding. I felt like I was dying.
I remember my Simbuk had to drive all the way from kampung and picked me up from my home in town. That night, when I was back in kampung, I experienced hallucinations. They sounded so fucking real that I could not sleep at all. I heard people laughing. I heard people crying. It was damn awful. I could not let go of my Simbuk's hand that night because I was scared and fearful. I told myself that night, if I am meant to die that night, then I will die. Then I heard voices and saw shadows.
The next morning, my Simbuk took me to a clinic in Siburan. Then the doctor from that clinic asked my Simbuk to refer me to Sarawak General Hospital.
Then, my Simbuk and Babai brought me to SGH. I cannot remember how exactly the process was but all I could remember was there were so many doctors who tried to talk to me but I just could not reply them. At that time, I felt like these doctors were able to read my thoughts and my mind.
My Mummy and Papa had to leave their work and rushed to the hospital. I remember I was forced to sit on a wheelchair and I was brought to this room. There was a doctor in that room, with my parents.
They had a conversation going on but I just could not understand what they were talking about. The doctor prescribed me some medications and my parents continued on talking to the doctor.
After that, we went back home in town and my Simbuk stayed with us at town.
Simbuk brought me to a private psychiatrist the next morning. No, it's a different pscyhiatrist, not the one from SGH.
Simbuk did most of the talking because I just did not know what to say. Like I said, I was confused.
Then he told Simbuk that I am experiencing depression.
For the first time in my entire life, I was prescribed anti psychotic medications. SGH prescribed me olanzapine and the private psychiatrist prescribed me lexapro.
So yeah. There goes my first episode of Schizophrenia and Depression.
With all my hugs to you,
Nerine Nichelle Frazier.